Doubts

On July 2nd there was a Gathering at a lovely church in Milwaukee where a group of us got together to praise. There was prayer and song and dance. Our choir participated and we sang and honored the Lord with everyone. It was very moving.
There is a problem though...I am not sure if I belonged there. I am very insecure in my value to my faith. I have long questioned my motives. Am I good to look good to others or to please God?
If I lift a situation in prayer, is it to truly turn it over to God or to find some scapegoat in case things go horribly wrong...or is it that I figure if God helps, the result will be better for ME?
I am filled with doubt and questions about my motives. If you are good because you don't want to be bad, are you bad for not seeing the source of good? If you praise with your heart and soul and then someone commends you for it, are you ok to be thankful and appreciative of the compliment?
What happens when you do a good job and forget to say it was God who helped you through? Does a good deed lose it's meaning when you tell someone you did it? If you help an old lady at the grocery store and brag about it, does the act become almost sinful as a result of the bragging? If you approach a situation as a chance to be good in the eyes of God, does that make it less spontaneous and more self serving? Do I get to heaven because I did things that I knew would please God or did things that truly pleased God?
Am I a good person? I don't know.

1 of 4

How do I start? How do I define the relationship with the one person who is totally different from me but absolutely the same?
Mary and I were born a little over 13 months apart and neither of us can remember life without the other. Granted we each had our own friends and interests, but because of her I never had the heartache of losing a best friend - because she was always there for me and was my best friend.
People thought we were the same, but we were so different. We were light to each other's dark and sun to each other's moon.
Mary has the beauty I will never have. It may be her self-confidence, her drive, her ambition to be the best she can be. Whatever makes her beautiful is past hair and makeup - beyond weight and fancy clothes. It is something that will be there no matter what is seen by the untrained eye.
She fought for everything she has. She turned a desire for a good education into over 25 years in the armed forces as an Army Nurse. She still practices her trade working when she wants at nursing homes and facilities in her area.
She loves her children with her whole heart and, as all mothers know, even when that heart is broken, her bond of love to her kids is not. She is a doting and creative grandmother who is now able to love with no restraint. As my mother told me, grandmothers spoil grandchildren...get used to it. Mary epitomizes that.
Mary is generous and good natured. I love when she walks into a room because her very essense lights it up, and I just sort of bask in that glow. I followed in her shadow for many years, and when I tried to remove myself, I had a sense of loss like none I had ever known. I learned that the shadow was part of me. Being her second made me a stronger first in my own life.
We always joked that when we imagine ourselves rich, famous musicians (neither of us with incredible talent, by the way) she would see herself as the lead singer and I would see myself as back-up. Mary was always my star. Where I am support staff at work, she is administration.
Mary and I were raised to be the best - the brightest - the strongest we could be. We were encouraged to love each other and be different which is why we are so good when together...so connected when apart.
She sometimes wonders why I introduce her as my older sister. It's because I want people to know she is a little older, a little smarter and a little better than me. It isn't years that older defines. I will always look up to her and respect her. People need to know that.
I love her and am proud of her. I am honored to be her sister. Thanks Mom and Dad.

What's next?

 Why do I read things and then my mind goes on and on wondering why it isn't done. For example - I just read a devotional about death where it referred to living a worthwhile life to face God. But I am not concerned about meeting God - I know that my life is still being constructed and when I meet God we will have an honest conversation.
What I worry about is what happens to my spot here on earth. I want to leave a void in the lives of my friends that only Jesus can fill. Especially for my nonbelieving friends. I want the conversations about me to be how I made wonderful things happen by my faith and dedication to Jesus.
I dream that my death will be uneventful. I think that the more people love you, the easier to let you go if they see your confidence that death is not the end.
I don't know why death is on my mind. I just know that "life" is in my heart and isn't that the point?

the funeral

Saturday I drove to Ripon for a funeral. That in itself means nothing. Many people travel further than that to honor a grieving family. What made it unique is that it was the first Catholic funeral I have been to in a long, long time.
I know many will say that Catholics are all about the ceremony - the processions and candles - the vestments and symbols. But, this was a beautiful experience. Maybe it was what many would call "over the top."
I prefer to think that the grief stricken family was reassured at the familiarity of the prayers and songs. I was moved by the words the priest said. I was inspired by the sermon. The priest had reviewed the private notes of the eternal guest and commented on her life of pain and suffering and her courageous choice to give her future to God.
There was a beauty and gentleness, even while we all cried. I didn't know Nicole, but I knew her sister. I knew that to the end, Nicole was loved and the whole service was a reminder to us all that there is no end if we truly believe.
What will happen to all those people is not sure - what happened on a sunny Saturday, is sure. That a select group who came to mourn was renewed and released back to the real world totally in God's presence is what matters.
I hope I can live my life in enough faith to leave this kind of aura over my friends and family. I hope I can love my sisters and brother enough to make sure that when they die, everyone knows more about when they lived.
My new goal is to do 4 more blogs - one each for my siblings so they know from now to the end how much they are loved by me.

Why superheroes hide their powers from their friends.

I have a secret power. Not faster than a speeding bullet or more powerful than a locomotive...can hardly leap a sleeping dog in a single bound, but I discovered an ability more powerful than any of those.
Let me clarify. Yesterday after an incredibly long day, I had a relaxing pedicure and then stopped at the grocery store on the way home to get potato chips and milk. Hamburgers were planned for dinner and I was elected to swing into Pick N Save for the chips. Milk was an added request that I received via text on my way out of the salon. I was not enthused because it was raining and chilly and I had to leave the car to run to the store and then out again and when I got home no one had so much as opened the burger buns. So guess who had to pull the burgers out, season them, toast the buns as they were not completely defrosted...put out the condiments, set the table...you got it! Me! And I had been at work by six that morning and it was already 7pm...boy was I pissed!!!
So I didn't talk to anyone and just threw things around the kitchen and got it all done and when I had to say grace at dinner, it was short and not very sweet. Bless this food - amen...because bless this family and friends and dinner was too much for me to ask cuz I was MAD!!
Then I heard my son snap at his girlfriend and she snapped right back - and my husband whined at my son who retorted rudely and then we had the quietest dinner because no one was talking to anyone. And I realized that by walking into this quiet group and going on the attack immediately, I had discovered a super power. My power deflated all good will, discouraged all pleasantries and destroyed the evening for everyone. What had I done?
What if I had approached my family with warmth instead of anger? We'll never know what it would have done to yesterday...I can't change that. But by hiding my power I can change today. And tomorrow will be better.

Jigsaw

 I like to go to MSN games and do the three daily jigsaw puzzles - the pictures are pretty and I keep the difficulty at normal as I do not flatter myself to think I am ready to handle difficult...and today I did my third puzzle and I lost a piece. I know that is impossible, but I had used all the pieces I could see and there was a hole in the center of the puzzle. But by adjusting the screen side to side and up and down I found a piece, sitting beneath the bottom of my screen. And there it was - a complete jigsaw puzzle. Some days are like that. I get up and get dressed. Everything is assembled and packed up and I go to work. It's like any other day but in the midst of the routine, something is wrong. It's like the puzzle. I think I have all the pieces - that being able to function and complete the mundane tasks of the day is a sign that things are complete, but there is something missing.
Now I don't claim to have the answers, but I do know that the days I add the Word of God to my day - the days I take the few extra minutes to open the Bible, read a chapter, a verse, a passage...those are the days I have all the pieces.
When all the pieces are assembled, if there is a hole, I know that I am missing something. I see that the most important piece is the one that completes me - my faith.

introducing...Olivia Grace

Although due to arrive on May 27th, Olivia decided that May 12 was more to her liking and that was that. Anyone who has ever had a baby or known someone who was expecting knows that all the planning in the world, arranging, appointments to induce labor and scheduled cesearean births doesn't mean the baby will arrive as scheduled.
Olivia Grace is seen in the loving arms of her 1 year old sister Aubrey Elizabeth. Right now it appears to be more curiosity than love, but let it be known, and I can say this firsthand, that the closeness in age will cause a bond to develop that no argument, other relationships, distance or silence will ever destroy.
Congratulations to the loving parents, Emily and Shane, the unselfish grandmother MaryBeth and the supporting family that will spend the rest of their lives loving and praying for these little girls.