If...what if...if only...

When we were young we had those moments. What if I became a teacher … what if I became an astronaut… what if I could fly. Our lives revolved around the what ifs. We had years and years of hopes and dreams ahead of us. There was no regret and no remorse just an anticipation of the wonders of being older.

We started growing and it became just IF – if I study hard I will get an A. If I get a new dress, maybe he will notice me. If I don’t make waves and pretend I like them, the popular kids will like me too. We were old enough to see how our actions would result in another action. We knew that there were criteria we needed to achieve to get what we wanted. No more hopes and dreams but plans and results.

Now I am old enough to be in the “if only” part of my life. If only I had gone to college I could be a teacher or a writer or an engineer. If only I had saved my money I could have so much more. If only I had not married so young…or bought that car…or drank that beer. So many actions and moments that could have changed my whole life…if only I hadn’t taken the path I did.

 In Field of Dreams, Ray Kinsella is talking to Doc Graham. As a young man, Doc was an aspiring ballplayer . When he realized his dream would never happen, Doc finished his medical degree and became a small town doctor, touching the lives of many.bRay remembers how Doc was just one batsman away from achieving his goal to be a ballplayer, and what a tragedy it was to be within grasp of that dream and in 5 minutes, have that dream denied. Doc tells Ray… if I’d only gotten to be a doctor for five minutes, now that would have been a tragedy.

One is looking at the “what if” as a dream unfulfilled – one looking at the “if” as a choice that produced incredible results.

In the Bible, we see mankind throwing what if, if and if only’s at God. Evil first produced IF in the garden, telling Eve that if she ate from the tree of life, she would be equal to God. Moses wondered how he could talk to the Pharoah… what if he didn’t have the words? While chained to the pillars, I’m sure Samson thought “if only” I wouldn’t have told them about my hair.

Even Jesus used IF, but not in a regretful, questioning or unrealistic way.  He used His IF to show that the authority started with God and the choices to use that authority were strictly from Him.  In Matthew, 22:42, Jesus said “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done.” He gave the power to God, not assuming that His worldly desires would take precedent over God’s plan. Jesus as a man knew that only God could save Him, but Jesus didn’t demand it. He simply said He would work within God’s will.

When Jesus sent the Apostles out, He had already shown that He was God, and was invoking the Holy Spirit to bless and guide the twelve. He said in John 20:23, “If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” Jesus offered them a choice and this very choice set up the church as we know it. Jesus gave authority to the apostles. Using IF in this phrase gave responsibility to all Christians to review situations from a spiritual and not mortal point of view.

This is as good a year as any to turn my ifs, what ifs and if only’s  from remorse, regret or imagination to something positive, encouraging and even holy.

Think of your if’s. Here’s one of mine.

If I hadn’t joined the choir, I would have denied myself the chance to meet wonderful, interesting and remarkable people who I would not normally have encountered.  If I hadn’t stopped working on the music and started working on the praise, I would not worship with my whole heart and soul. If I hadn’t remembered that to forgive is divine, would I still be numbering my errors and inadequacies?

Want a what if?

What if…I hadn’t found Eastbrook? What if I had kept my worship to myself and never put myself out there in God’s name?  What if I hadn’t found that to encourage others in their faith would provide resources to find excellence in my own faith?

How about an “if only?”

If only I could meet every situation in grace and patience instead of my usual suspicion and hurriedness, my life would be easier and calmer. If only my worship would grow and grow each day, I would be so much closer to my family, my friends and my God. If only I would stop thinking of myself, I would better serve God … and since He thinks of me all the time, I really don’t need to dwell on myself. 

My goal is to take the ifs, what ifs and if onlys of my life and make them positives. If only I had thought of that sooner.

bad days and a poem

I’ve had a few horrible days. So I wrote it all down. Oh, what a great document I had written. It was scathing. It revealed all my emotion, my anger, my anguish…all the feelings that people hurt, all the tears I cried and all the doubts I have.

I wrote my frustration in such a way that the world would say…poor, poor Margaret!

But then something occurred to me…God doesn’t care.

Well, I’ll bet that got your attention. Hear me out.

How often have we been in a situation where someone makes an error and looks to us in apology, thinking that nothing they can do is enough and we will forever hold their actions against them. But if it is someone you love, you know that your response is “I don’t care about what you did…I care what you are doing. I accept your apology. I still love you.” Now I fully believe that God understands all our human emotions, and in His great love for us, He doesn’t hold them against us. So I can honestly hear Him saying that He really doesn’t care.

God doesn’t care about my negative feelings – He loves me regardless. He does care about what I am going to do with these feelings.

 God knows that some of the hurt I felt may have been valid and the anger I was nourishing may have been a logical and understandable response to my situation.

Sometimes it is so hard to remember that God is the purpose for all our actions and the solution to all our hardships. It is easy to sit and dwell on destructive feelings, falling deeper and deeper into them. At these times for me, I know that the evil ones of the world are partying, knowing that they have made me see the horror and hence the majesty of life is hidden.

God has equipped us all with the ability to look past our situation and move on. He has instilled in us a heart that embraces the promise of eternity. No matter how depressed we get, or sad, or angry, there is always hope. God has denied us nothing that we need.

Sometimes we get in the mistaken frame of mind that we deserve more than we have…or want more than we need. But it isn’t about that. We get what we need to serve God.  I often wonder if I had more, would I use it in God’s service, or would I simply waste it? There are many people with more money than I who are able to give to the poor, the church and other charities. These people use their resources to the best of their abilities and in honor of God, since they know He alone is responsible for the talent, endurance and sometimes dumb luck that has enabled them to have more.  But God’s measuring stick is not the same for all of us – we each have an individual stick and have to dedicate the correct portion to God. No matter how much or little a person has, if they dedicate the most of it to furthering God’s kingdom, they will never run out.

Why aren’t we all doctors discovering cures for disease or singers making the world see God in their words and notes…or ballerinas, football players, or world leaders?

God has needs and wants too. But He doesn’t only need the affluent and mega-talented people. He needs people like most of us who are able to survive each day in His glory and move on. He needs those of us who do their best in service to Him and Him alone. He wants us to not only thrive as people, but as HIS PEOPLE.

So how did I deal with my negative feelings? I was hurt – I cried. Then I sucked it up and moved on. I remembered that God didn’t make me who I am for my own acclaim, but for His. And while He waited for me to remember that He didn’t care that I was nourishing my pain,  I was fighting back to defeat the pain with his grace and love.

How much more can we ask than to be in his good graces?

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God said – you  have to take the pain and turn it into praise

I answered that it hurt too bad, and didn’t smile for days.

God said –what you do is not for them. Its only for my glory.

I answered but they want so much, I’m sticking to that story.

God said – look outside your life – there is so much you can learn.

I said, I’m running out of time…when do I get a turn.

God said I control the time – the days, the weeks, the years.

And finally I could see it -  through my doubts and hates and fears…

I get it God – it’s all for you, and when I languish in my doubt,

My heart is closed, my mind is blocked – me in and you held out.

He smiled and said you’re on the way to seeing what you are,

you take my grace and love my dear…I’ll keep the pain and scars.

 

Resolution

My resolution for 2013 is to stop letting people take me for granted. At work, at home, at church...people think that I will just do things because they say so, whether it is in my best interest or not.
At home - why does asking "when is this going to be done?" mean that I have to pop up and do it? I don't even think anyone does it on purpose. I just do it and then go "what was I thinking?". This is my fault and I have to stop it...and not get angry when I do give in and do stuff.

At work, I have to resign myself to the fact that I get paid for my job and that is all I can expect. There will be no bonuses, no perks and, of course, no thanks. Now all I have to do it stop going above and beyond and simply do my job. Maybe if I stop answering questions about stuff that should be handled by others, they would see that I am valuable when I choose to help but not accessible when my job and responsibilities need doing. I should just tell people to call our HQ...however today I did try that and the questioning party had gone over my head and received no satisfaction. So I answered the questions, tested the programs and helped out...I received a thank you for it. Well, it's something.

At church...well, that one is dicey because I have to stop letting the slights and insults directed towards me sink into my skin, but never be addressed by my mouth. Today, I let someone know that they had slighted me and that I was not going to put up with it anymore. In fact, I have decided to save my talents for writing for my blogging and family and not be put off by the fact that my ministry just assumes I can produce poetry and devotions with no effort or time.

Am I ready to let people poorly of me? Yes - because I am hoping that I can get them to respect me for what I am and what I do.

So here it is - accept me for what I am and treat me as a valuable asset. If you can't do that for me, then I have no use for you.