Am I proud of my son?

Over 35 years ago, when I was a young woman of 23, married almost 4 years, I gave birth to my first and only child; a son we named Christopher Matthew.

And over the last 35 years, I have watched him grow and thrive and become the man he is today.

I am not saying it wasn’t a bumpy road. Past childhood illnesses and teen angst; through years of working wherever he could to trying to get that dream job; from finding the wrong woman to being blessed with the right one, he has learned and grown through it all.

I know that Chris looks at some opportunities as lost and has his share of regret, but he also is constantly looking to the future to rebuild and adapt to whatever life has thrown him.

When he would lose a job he would not stay home and sulk but send out his resume, accepting any position that would enable him to stay working and open doors to new and exciting things. When he didn’t have a girlfriend, he would leave himself open to finding one. He didn’t write off women because he had a bad experience, but just trusted that somewhere the perfect woman would find him.

When it comes to church and God he had a poor example in worship as his father and I worshipped on our own schedule and didn’t have any discipline in it. We made Chris attend Catholic school thru the 5^th grade and then moved him to the public school system.

This is the best thing we could have done as it opened a whole world to him and made him aware of the world of non-Catholic and ethnically diverse people. He also found out that not every family had 2 parents, or a house, or a close group of relatives. And he found out that some had things we did not.

The public school decision is also the worst thing we could have done. Chris was exposed to people who thought school was a joke and he was encouraged to not attend. He was a good student, being immediately promoted to the advanced classes and the benefits associated with being a shade better. A 6^th grader who knows he is smarter than everyone else doesn’t always have the easiest time on the playground though and before "bullying" was an issue, it was a character builder and he was strengthened as a result.

The result of his education was that he was encouraged to drop out of high school by a group of “friends” and only the sheer evilness of his parents kept him in school to high school graduation. Once out, he never thought of going back and he started his life as a working man. He realized as he got older that education was valuable, opening doors for him that his friends with no diploma or GED couldn't get through.

Seeing this, he went to technical school to get an associate’s degree in electronics. I don’t know what the exact degree is, but I do know it has provided him unique and valuable opportunites for work.

Chris dated regularly; some girls who were nice, some not so nice. He dated girls who were pretty, girls who were plain and girls who we never met so who knows what they looked like. He got engaged to a woman with a small child who may or may not have been an atheist or a Christian or a Wikken (but was definitely a witch!) depending on her mood. Although I didn’t relish this relationship I tried not to interfere – but he knew that I was displeased with his choice of wife. They broke up and I thank God for His intervention in their relationship. Chris had a few girlfriends after.

In one distressing period of his life his position was eliminated at his job. At the same time, he was without a girlfriend, and then found out that he had sleep apnea and would be spending most of his future sleeping hooked to a machine. He decided enough was enough and he was done with women…but somehow heard a voice telling him to go on a dating website “one more time” and he hooked up with Samantha – a lovely woman who he fell immediately in love with. She is fun, beautiful and a great cook and baker..and now my daughter-in-love.

 

Chris is not done yet. He and Sam moved in with us to help them finish a few things : paying off a few bills, getting Sam through school and allowing Chris in his spare time to create and pursue a new ministry.

Chris has an insatiable craving for music. All kinds of music. We went through Rap, Country, Blues...Bee bop, dance, hip hop and classical. His true love was always rock, from the early sounds of rock and roll to the beat-down hard rock of heavy metal. He found that his Christian faith was not honored by some of his musical preferences, and he has been purging his life of negative message music. But this almost annihilated his heavy metal collection.Then he found a world of small bands around the country and the world that were producing God and Faith based songs with the modern beats of the popular radio hits, the strong guitar and drumbeats of heavy metal, and the interesting and haunting alternative sounds that the young people yearn for. He found groups who he knew would attract and influence the musical taste of those who didn’t like the “old people’s” music you hear on commercial radio. Instead of sitting quietly in his room listening, he started contacting the bands, participating in on-line radio forums and shows, and set up a number of webpages dedicated to furthering the Message through music. He has tons of cd’s that he has purchased and been given by bands with a message of faith, God and Jesus. He regularly reviews the music and interviews the bands and invites everyone he talks with to join him in his ministry. Through Facebook, business cards and face to face communication he has gotten hundreds of people to listen to God’s message…some of them young people who just thought church music was for old people… some old people who wonder about the future of the church and now see that it is evolving with the times…even some of the bands who were ready to give up and found out that someone is listening, sharing and praising with them.

Chris has often told me that getting the Message to everyone, no matter the age or musical taste, is what he strives to accomplish.  

 I love that this blog is unfinished. I love that what could have been a sad story of failure and lost dreams is a story of love and fulfillment and faith. I love that my son is a work in progress at the ripe old age of 35.

Am I proud of my son?  Of course I am…wouldn’t you be?

to have faith 100% today

My devotion this morning told me to pray for “bigger faith.” It explained how when Jesus called Peter from the boat to meet Him on the water, Peter left the boat in faith. He knew that Jesus, his Lord, was there and would meet him. But Peter lost focus. He turned from the loving face of Jesus and saw the troubles of the world – the wind – the storm.

And once he turned from the face of Jesus, he started to sink. Jesus, though, immediately responded and reached out His hand to right Peter.

How often when we pray for something do we stand up and then forget to leave it in God’s capable hands? How often do we pray for help and then try to solve things ourselves? Or worse yet, look around and focus on the elements that will keep your prayer from being answered?

Today, when you look for a new job…or a cure to illness…or a piece of solace in trouble, don’t see the other applicants, the mortality statistics or the coldness of those around you. Instead, see only God and what He is doing to your benefit.

Do not be one of little faith who reaches out at the last minute, but a steadfast believer who throws problems to God to make room for praise, adoration and love.

it all depends on how you look at it.

I get up at 3:30 in the morning to take my pit bull-mix dogs out for some exercise. Although walking is my preference, I have recently been trying to run at least a few tenths of a mile, usually on a secluded road behind the main street where, that early, you find no traffic, no people and no stop signs.

This morning I took off and either snagged my toe on a warped piece of concrete or on the back end of a dog that was not running quite fast enough, but either way, I felt myself losing my balance and plummeting to the earth. (aside: at 5’3” the plummet wasn’t that far, but when you are going down you feel like you are 7’1”!)

As I neared the ground, it occurred to me to put down my right hand and flip my body to land on my back on the patch of grass between the cement walkway and the street. Sure enough, I flipped over, didn’t scrape anything except my right hand, and I laid there to catch my breath.

 We now have three possible interpretations of what happened next...

1)      10 month old pit mix view: Clay Mutthew saw me on the ground and assumed it was playtime. He jumped on my chest with a smile on his face and his tail wagging. (by the way, the 10 year old pit, Faith, didn’t do anything but look at me impatiently, so I would continue the walk.)

2)      How I saw it: Clay, misinterpreting my falling for a heart attack, jumped on my chest to administer CPR…even though the first rule is if the victim is breathing and alert, they probably don’t need CPR. At least he tried.

3)      How someone would have viewed it had they looked out and seen the event: old woman lying on ground being attacked by vicious dog. Call 911!

Luckily I was not hurt, the dog was not impounded and we were able to finish our walk with no additional incident.

Maybe I’ll try running some other day.

Eulogy for my Father, Frederick W. Pearson

Many people have asked me what my dad was like.

I have two answers to this – how he was and how he is.

First I will tell you how he was.

Dad was without anger but able to get angry when necessary. I never felt his discipline through spanking but through reason and expressed disappointment at my actions. Trust me – a spanking would have been better.

Dad was a hard worker, sometimes working 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet while we were growing up.

He let us know what he did and why so we would see the value in a job done well and not resent his absence from us.

Dad was a God fearing man, who I never saw sin by conventional standards, never heard him swear, or do anything purposely to hurt another person.

Dad was generous with the time he had left over. He was a loving father and stepfather, a good husband, a trusting friend and valued employee.

 That’s how he was… now I’m going to tell you how he is.

Dad is disciplined and educated – he was a military man who did his job with finesse and showed talents from riding in the mounted cavalry to being the mess cook for his reserve unit. Never one to be second best, he was also not someone to pull rank on others.  You can see military precision with human touch personified in my sister Mary Beth.

 Dad is gentle and compassionate – dedicated to his church, his God and his faith. He goes to church on Sunday, observes the sacraments and is a fixture in his pew, at his time, with his family. You can see his example and values at work in my sister, Elizabeth.  

Dad is easily humored. He loves the company of men and women, preferring women I think. He is a faithful and loving husband. He is as comfortable in the audience as he is as the star – the focus of attention from others. If you want to see what I mean, look at my brother, Kevin.

Dad is energetic, happy with his nice home and well groomed yard. (even if it is us children who groom it.) He loves his children so hard that he hurts when they hurt. He encourages them to be more than just someone’s kids. He is strong in will to the point of being stubborn. He doesn’t tolerate stupidity or laziness, and is the person you know will follow through 100%...even if you are only requesting 50%. His zest for life and family is magnified when you look at my sister Elaine.

Dad is a writer and reader – a philosopher and psychologist. Dad is there with an open ear and open heart for his family and friends as well. Dad delights in a good meal. Dad enjoys a gathering with his whole brood as well as a private gathering at one of our homes. He is a lover of music…a follower of his favorite comedy shows from the past... an appreciator of drama, comedy; plays and movies.

I would like to say you can see this by looking at me, but you can see all this by observing and talking to any of us. Dad is not proud or vain but we are, and with very good reason.

We’re Freddie’s kids.

can I get angry?

My daily devotion, Get Up With God, asked for questions - the author of the page promised to try to address every problem. This is what I sent him...I will print the answer if I get one.

 

Can I get angry? I don't mean over spilt milk or stubbing my toe. When someone does something that hurts or harms me, sometimes prayer isn't enough.

It's beneficial to me to know that I handle a particular situation with poise and silence when my heart is crying and all I want to do is raise my hand to strike. At the same time, my brain is trying to figure a way to make the perpetrator suffer, or at least, be made aware of their cruelty and become sorrowful as a result.

Can I get angry? Can I be hurt? Is it ok to avoid someone who obviously needs to reach away from me and to Jesus?

Can I cry out to God to be my revenge? Can I ask God to administer human justice?

I feel that praying for someone's ultimate demise transfers the sin to me, but sometimes people make it so hard to be a Christian.

Can I get angry?

I hereby declare today, Thursday, May 16, 2013, COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS DAY!!!

I was thinking this morning about how my job was going nowhere.

I thought about all the things in life I can’t afford to have.

 I thought about all the pretty clothes and shoes I can’t buy.

I thought about the rich food I don’t eat and the drinks I no longer drink.

I thought about my aches and pains and gray hair.

I thought about not having time to finish my daily devotion this morning and how I would have to finish it at work.

BUT THEN…

I thought how at least I have a job that I love.

I thought of all the things I have, my house, my car, my “stuff”.

I thought about the abundance of clothes I do have, for every season and every occasion.

I thought of the new healthy life style I have and that my pantry fully stocked.  

I thought of the flowing clean water I have at the turn of a handle.

I took a breath and thought of those who can’t do that simple thing.

I thought of the martyrs worldwide who are persecuted for praying in the apparent non-privacy of their homes and lives.

I have so many blessings and I still worry about things that I don’t have. I always said that when I was a child, I didn’t have everything, but I remember wanting for nothing. That is still true today.

So I count my blessings because there is nothing on the list of things I don’t have that will prevent me from praising God.

There is nothing on my list of things I have that was not provided by the grace and love of God.

So, count your blessings today, and every day. GOD IS GOOD!!

 

totally screwed up?

I was thinking of how to have more isn't always the best and how you should simplify your life and get back to basics to honor God. I thought how possessions are not the only thing that will ensure a life of peace and success. I thought of how Jesus spoke to give it all up to follow Him.

I thought how I should write this down so that the world knows that I know about them all.  I question how people can have so much stuff and feel that is what gives them happiness and acceptance. I almost feel sorry for all those with tons of stuff and money who don't have the peace of God in with it.

I am so proud of myself for not looking down on them for their affluence. In fact, I actually thought of all this while at my job, looking up stuff on my Kindle Fire, remembering that I should sync it to my home laptop...and I can do that tonight while watching my big tv, in a comfortable living room, eating a dinner that I just decided to go out and buy because the hundreds of dollars of food in my house are not what I want tonight...

Ever have a moment when you are looking through a window at the sorry souls with everything on earth and nothing in heaven...searching for God as they try to decide between possessions and faith, and you suddenly see you are looking in a mirror?

love and sex

Love is not sex; not dependent on it, not a result of it, not a reason for it.
Sex is not love; not defined by it, not necessary for it, not required to achieve it.

So when did we start letting "having sex" and "making love" become equal terms?

Yes! We let this happen. We allowed it. We even encouraged it.

We are now raised in the knowledge that an increasing number of teens and even preteens are engaging in sex. We are appalled and disgusted, but have grown to accept this as a fact. Our own children and children that we know are surprising us if they are abstaining from sex, remaining virgins.

We have turned a blind eye to how an act that used to be emotional and dependent on marriage is somehow a response to peer pressure, a pathway to love or just a pastime or hobby.

I recently got a puppy and because of his breed was required by law to take him to a behavior class. We gave gone through sit and lay; through down and follow me. However, the most valuable lesson so far is "wait!"

Leaving the house, say "wait" so the dog has to let you out first. Say "wait" so the dog doesn't try to grab the food dish out of your hand before you can put it down and back away. Say "wait" when you are moving through rooms or answering the door. And then he gets an enthusiastic "good boy" and a tasty puppy treat.
How much time and effort we take to teach our dog how to wait and then gain a reward. Why can't we teach our children the same?

Next time you know of a young person facing the confusion of sex and love...facing a choice of acceptance or being ostracized, tell them "wait."

The reward will come.

Hell? not for me!

I don’t want to go to hell.

Really. I am positive that the very nature of hell would be more horrible than the worst day I could possibly imagine here. And I have quite a vivid imagination.

I fear that my nature to be selfish, tyrannical and demanding would overshadow my kindness, generosity and patience. I fear that my anger and despair would trump my moments of goodness and confidence.

But then I remember when Jesus spoke to Thomas… “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him’” Jn 14:6-7

He didn’t mince words or say too much. Jesus didn’t list what we call sins and tell us to do otherwise. He simply said to follow Him – His example, His teaching, His path. Jesus is willing to accept my faults, because He knows that if I truly know Him, the faults will diminish and be replaced with Christlike qualities. It isn’t so much changing who I am, but who I follow. I don’t have to list the moments of sin and negative emotions to correct them. I just need to choose to go on the path to Jesus instead.

Since heaven is actually living in the presence of God, knowing Jesus and believing Him to be the path to the Father makes Jesus the path to heaven.  It is so simple when you just open the word and listen to the message.

I won’t go to hell because I am a sinner but because I choose against faith. Life is choices. Eternal life is a guarantee…if we make the right choices.

I don’t want to go to hell…and I don’t have to.

If...what if...if only...

When we were young we had those moments. What if I became a teacher … what if I became an astronaut… what if I could fly. Our lives revolved around the what ifs. We had years and years of hopes and dreams ahead of us. There was no regret and no remorse just an anticipation of the wonders of being older.

We started growing and it became just IF – if I study hard I will get an A. If I get a new dress, maybe he will notice me. If I don’t make waves and pretend I like them, the popular kids will like me too. We were old enough to see how our actions would result in another action. We knew that there were criteria we needed to achieve to get what we wanted. No more hopes and dreams but plans and results.

Now I am old enough to be in the “if only” part of my life. If only I had gone to college I could be a teacher or a writer or an engineer. If only I had saved my money I could have so much more. If only I had not married so young…or bought that car…or drank that beer. So many actions and moments that could have changed my whole life…if only I hadn’t taken the path I did.

 In Field of Dreams, Ray Kinsella is talking to Doc Graham. As a young man, Doc was an aspiring ballplayer . When he realized his dream would never happen, Doc finished his medical degree and became a small town doctor, touching the lives of many.bRay remembers how Doc was just one batsman away from achieving his goal to be a ballplayer, and what a tragedy it was to be within grasp of that dream and in 5 minutes, have that dream denied. Doc tells Ray… if I’d only gotten to be a doctor for five minutes, now that would have been a tragedy.

One is looking at the “what if” as a dream unfulfilled – one looking at the “if” as a choice that produced incredible results.

In the Bible, we see mankind throwing what if, if and if only’s at God. Evil first produced IF in the garden, telling Eve that if she ate from the tree of life, she would be equal to God. Moses wondered how he could talk to the Pharoah… what if he didn’t have the words? While chained to the pillars, I’m sure Samson thought “if only” I wouldn’t have told them about my hair.

Even Jesus used IF, but not in a regretful, questioning or unrealistic way.  He used His IF to show that the authority started with God and the choices to use that authority were strictly from Him.  In Matthew, 22:42, Jesus said “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done.” He gave the power to God, not assuming that His worldly desires would take precedent over God’s plan. Jesus as a man knew that only God could save Him, but Jesus didn’t demand it. He simply said He would work within God’s will.

When Jesus sent the Apostles out, He had already shown that He was God, and was invoking the Holy Spirit to bless and guide the twelve. He said in John 20:23, “If you forgive anyone’s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” Jesus offered them a choice and this very choice set up the church as we know it. Jesus gave authority to the apostles. Using IF in this phrase gave responsibility to all Christians to review situations from a spiritual and not mortal point of view.

This is as good a year as any to turn my ifs, what ifs and if only’s  from remorse, regret or imagination to something positive, encouraging and even holy.

Think of your if’s. Here’s one of mine.

If I hadn’t joined the choir, I would have denied myself the chance to meet wonderful, interesting and remarkable people who I would not normally have encountered.  If I hadn’t stopped working on the music and started working on the praise, I would not worship with my whole heart and soul. If I hadn’t remembered that to forgive is divine, would I still be numbering my errors and inadequacies?

Want a what if?

What if…I hadn’t found Eastbrook? What if I had kept my worship to myself and never put myself out there in God’s name?  What if I hadn’t found that to encourage others in their faith would provide resources to find excellence in my own faith?

How about an “if only?”

If only I could meet every situation in grace and patience instead of my usual suspicion and hurriedness, my life would be easier and calmer. If only my worship would grow and grow each day, I would be so much closer to my family, my friends and my God. If only I would stop thinking of myself, I would better serve God … and since He thinks of me all the time, I really don’t need to dwell on myself. 

My goal is to take the ifs, what ifs and if onlys of my life and make them positives. If only I had thought of that sooner.

bad days and a poem

I’ve had a few horrible days. So I wrote it all down. Oh, what a great document I had written. It was scathing. It revealed all my emotion, my anger, my anguish…all the feelings that people hurt, all the tears I cried and all the doubts I have.

I wrote my frustration in such a way that the world would say…poor, poor Margaret!

But then something occurred to me…God doesn’t care.

Well, I’ll bet that got your attention. Hear me out.

How often have we been in a situation where someone makes an error and looks to us in apology, thinking that nothing they can do is enough and we will forever hold their actions against them. But if it is someone you love, you know that your response is “I don’t care about what you did…I care what you are doing. I accept your apology. I still love you.” Now I fully believe that God understands all our human emotions, and in His great love for us, He doesn’t hold them against us. So I can honestly hear Him saying that He really doesn’t care.

God doesn’t care about my negative feelings – He loves me regardless. He does care about what I am going to do with these feelings.

 God knows that some of the hurt I felt may have been valid and the anger I was nourishing may have been a logical and understandable response to my situation.

Sometimes it is so hard to remember that God is the purpose for all our actions and the solution to all our hardships. It is easy to sit and dwell on destructive feelings, falling deeper and deeper into them. At these times for me, I know that the evil ones of the world are partying, knowing that they have made me see the horror and hence the majesty of life is hidden.

God has equipped us all with the ability to look past our situation and move on. He has instilled in us a heart that embraces the promise of eternity. No matter how depressed we get, or sad, or angry, there is always hope. God has denied us nothing that we need.

Sometimes we get in the mistaken frame of mind that we deserve more than we have…or want more than we need. But it isn’t about that. We get what we need to serve God.  I often wonder if I had more, would I use it in God’s service, or would I simply waste it? There are many people with more money than I who are able to give to the poor, the church and other charities. These people use their resources to the best of their abilities and in honor of God, since they know He alone is responsible for the talent, endurance and sometimes dumb luck that has enabled them to have more.  But God’s measuring stick is not the same for all of us – we each have an individual stick and have to dedicate the correct portion to God. No matter how much or little a person has, if they dedicate the most of it to furthering God’s kingdom, they will never run out.

Why aren’t we all doctors discovering cures for disease or singers making the world see God in their words and notes…or ballerinas, football players, or world leaders?

God has needs and wants too. But He doesn’t only need the affluent and mega-talented people. He needs people like most of us who are able to survive each day in His glory and move on. He needs those of us who do their best in service to Him and Him alone. He wants us to not only thrive as people, but as HIS PEOPLE.

So how did I deal with my negative feelings? I was hurt – I cried. Then I sucked it up and moved on. I remembered that God didn’t make me who I am for my own acclaim, but for His. And while He waited for me to remember that He didn’t care that I was nourishing my pain,  I was fighting back to defeat the pain with his grace and love.

How much more can we ask than to be in his good graces?

_____________________________________________________

God said – you  have to take the pain and turn it into praise

I answered that it hurt too bad, and didn’t smile for days.

God said –what you do is not for them. Its only for my glory.

I answered but they want so much, I’m sticking to that story.

God said – look outside your life – there is so much you can learn.

I said, I’m running out of time…when do I get a turn.

God said I control the time – the days, the weeks, the years.

And finally I could see it -  through my doubts and hates and fears…

I get it God – it’s all for you, and when I languish in my doubt,

My heart is closed, my mind is blocked – me in and you held out.

He smiled and said you’re on the way to seeing what you are,

you take my grace and love my dear…I’ll keep the pain and scars.

 

Resolution

My resolution for 2013 is to stop letting people take me for granted. At work, at home, at church...people think that I will just do things because they say so, whether it is in my best interest or not.
At home - why does asking "when is this going to be done?" mean that I have to pop up and do it? I don't even think anyone does it on purpose. I just do it and then go "what was I thinking?". This is my fault and I have to stop it...and not get angry when I do give in and do stuff.

At work, I have to resign myself to the fact that I get paid for my job and that is all I can expect. There will be no bonuses, no perks and, of course, no thanks. Now all I have to do it stop going above and beyond and simply do my job. Maybe if I stop answering questions about stuff that should be handled by others, they would see that I am valuable when I choose to help but not accessible when my job and responsibilities need doing. I should just tell people to call our HQ...however today I did try that and the questioning party had gone over my head and received no satisfaction. So I answered the questions, tested the programs and helped out...I received a thank you for it. Well, it's something.

At church...well, that one is dicey because I have to stop letting the slights and insults directed towards me sink into my skin, but never be addressed by my mouth. Today, I let someone know that they had slighted me and that I was not going to put up with it anymore. In fact, I have decided to save my talents for writing for my blogging and family and not be put off by the fact that my ministry just assumes I can produce poetry and devotions with no effort or time.

Am I ready to let people poorly of me? Yes - because I am hoping that I can get them to respect me for what I am and what I do.

So here it is - accept me for what I am and treat me as a valuable asset. If you can't do that for me, then I have no use for you.