The tension is building. Everyone is on the edge of their seats. It's one of those moments between anticipating what is going to happen and the shock when it does.
No, this is not how I feel when I see a scary movie. This is what every real woman feels when she enters the department store to see rows and rows of tiny pieces of fabric on hangers...swimsuit season!
Yes, once that darned groundhog declares that spring will follow winter, women all over the world are facing the 3W's. (winter weight woes). Sometimes the 3W's aren't measured in pounds, but in that feeling that you haven't moved much for 4 months so can't possibly look good. Some are fortunate enough to go to a gym, trainer or have a machine that they see more than their families, but winter still creeps in and if it can't slip in some cellulite, it'll add a wrinkle, dry out your hair or fade normally tanned skin. Winter is a reality check for everyone who thinks they are healthy and wealthy enough to escape aging.
Once the swimsuits hit the racks, it becomes obvious that we didn't escape. To make it worse, there are people out there telling us that anyone can look good in the right swimsuit. I wish I had a nickle for each article I read that advises how to elongate your leg line, flatten your tummy or accentuate your bust. I wish I had a penny from each woman who believes it - and one of those pennies would be mine.
(parental warning: some of the following examples contain graphic images that young women should not be exposed to. Let them learn the hard way, like we did!)
I have tried on high cut suits to make my legs look longer and healthier but the cellulite makes it look more like a rocky mountain than a softly sloping hill. My "stems" have assumed some varicose veins and, I have to admit, do look like strong, trees...after a major fire and all that is left is the thick trunks and darkened branches.
What about the empire waist? Flowing gently away from the body, covering fat tummy and big butt. Of course, that was a treat! There is not a skirt long enough to do this without billowing out over my rear bumpers making it obvious that there is junk in this trunk.
How about a top that gently blouses over a longer short? Wonderful! Now all I need to know is how to keep the longer short from creeping uncomfortably up into my crotch and crack.
And let's diminish or accentuate the bust. Why do the girls with a lot want to hide it and those without want to show it? Guess what people? Biggies with binding burst out...pimples with push ups plop. You can create an image, but sooner or later something happens to reveal what you truly have or don't have.
Oh, the horror! I have resigned myself to the fact that only tons of exercise, sensible dieting and thousands of dollars in plastic surgery would make me into the person that graces the covers of magazines and catalog swimwear and lingerie pages. At my age, what good will it do me? I will never be asked to be a model of anything, not even muumuus. It's hard to imagine a 55 1/2 year old staring out of a magazine in nothing but minimal coverage. Even tanned, thin and taut, I am still 55 1/2 years old.
Plus, has anyone priced a good swimming suit lately? To spend all that money on something you will wear once or twice is a total waste. But the spending doesn't end there. Many buy cute little robes to cover up the suits when they are out. (Then why wear a suit?) Think of it...swimsuit, cover-up, matching sandals, manicure and pedicure and maybe electrolysis, special conditioners to keep your hair from drying out, sunscreen, large towel. The list goes on and on. Your swimming experience may cost hundreds of dollars by the time you are done. And we haven't even thought of where you are swimming? Spa membership? Public pool? Backyard pool above or below ground? More money.
The best bet? Got a friend with a pool? Go there for a picnic - wear a pair of conservative shorts and a non-white t-shirt. You hope someone throws you into water so you can be excused from putting on a suit. Dry off in the warm sun and enjoy your day. Who is going to say anything? it wasn't your fault.
What did that cost you? Time and a dish to pass.
So when you see what appears to be remnants of fabric hanging in a shop, it only takes a frugal attitude, common sense or a mirror to keep you from succumbing to their evil influence. Be brave - be strong - and above all...get your air conditioning looked at so you can stay indoors and not worry about different ways to stay comfortable in the summer heat.
And remember... autumn and winter are just around the corner.
No comments:
Post a Comment